Tuesday, August 16, 2011

The Short and Long of It


This post is really hard to write. 

(deep breathe)

The other day I went to the doctor and found out after a few tests that I had a miscarriage. I was not very far along at all. The hubby and I have been trying since the beginning of the year to get pregnant. There I was, there we were, living our dream, and then it was gone. I was and then I wasn’t anymore. I was not far enough along where I got to really see any change or anything like that, but the thought of it was exciting. I had a complete break down Friday after I found out. I cried and I called Matt. We talked shortly about it promising to talk more after he got off work. I was in Yakima for a photo shoot when the test results came back in from the doctor. This was something I was glad I heard over the phone, glad I was at a friend’s home. Glad that they understood what just happened. Other than my sister being irritated that she was all dressed up, she was sympathetic about what happened and rescheduled with me for another date.

After talking to some friends and being able to reach Matt at work I came to the understanding that I need to feel something other than this intense sadness, so I went out with my friends the following night to remind myself to live life to the fullest. This reminded me that life is short and sometimes it can be very short. 

Sometimes it can be gone before it gets started or before you can really even grasp what is going on. I have to believe that someday I will get to meet this beautiful soul. I have to believe that or this would be so much harder to deal with.

So now after a few days of being able to process all of this and talking to my wonderful husband and friends I can safely say that I can start picking up the pieces of this. I can start moving on with my husband. We can keep trying to get pregnant and hope that that next time is the one where we will being to experience the full joy of a pregnancy.

I am a little more prepared now. My doctor and I talked about options to help get me pregnant. One option was to start taking prenatal vitamins and folic acid (B9) to help get my body ready for a baby. The other things we talked about were ones that I was already trying to do. Get healthy. Start adding more water to my diet and start cutting out soda and coffee from my diet. Cut out the junk food and replace that with healthier options like fruits and veggies. He also told me that if I am really craving that soda or coffee or chocolate bar and I try substituting it with something healthy and the craving does not go away to just give in. Give in and get that chocolate bar or drink that soda/coffee drink. He told me that a lot of times when people start dieting they diet to hard and ignore the cravings their bodies are telling them they need.
Just that simple, give in; give in so I don’t binge later.

Binging is bad, and I have dieted hard before then binged and felt horrible about it. Tina is helping me stick to my diet and exercise plan because she is trying also. We think it would be fun to be pregnant at the same time. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I can get past this and I will be able to experience motherhood and Matt will be able to experience fatherhood.

Thanks for letting me ramble/vent and work through these feelings.