Sunday, October 16, 2011

Thoughts?

Some things have been stirring in around in my head. Just some random thoughts. Mainly about my mom. The one I never had and the one you should have gotten the chance to be my Grandmother instead of raising me. One of my biggest fears is becoming my mother. Another fear of mine leaves me wondering if I have the stregnth to be the mother my Grandma was to my little sisters and I.

You see, my mom walked out on us I don't know how many times. You see she had a cruel sickness that consumed her. It made her a monster, it made her hateful and mean, it took her away from us. She couldn't control her sickness, instead she let it control her. She was addicted to drugs.

At times I resent her for not being strong enough to get well for us. Her children, her little girls and her husband were pushed away for her next fix. My Dad and Grandma tried their hardest to get her the help that she needed. She would get clean every now and again. I loved those times. When she was sober she was the mother I always wanted, always knew she could be.

And then something would happen. She would run into an old friend or one of her brothers and she would fall back down that hole again.

The last time I saw her before she died, I said some pretty hateful things. I was very angry with her for chosing to be sick, rather than getting well and being with us.

She missed so many firsts. First crush, first boyfriend, first dance, graduation, the birth of her first grandchild, and my wedding. Now with my pregnancy, it is just another thing that she will miss out on. Granted she may not be in this world any longer, but it does not make it any easier knowing that she had the potential be an awesome mother and chose not to be.

Now the woman who took her place. My Grandma. She was somethign else. She took us girls in, helped my Dad raise us. She was there for everthing. I love her more than words could ever express. When she passed it was one of thee worst days in my life. Even now I am getting teary eyed thinking about it...

When her first great grandchild was born she was so happy. I really wish she was here to meet her third great grand child. My biggest hope is that I can be the mother she did not have to be.