Monday, December 12, 2011

Looking back


I was talking to friends last night, and we started talking about our pasts. I realized last night that I have been through a lot and overcome so much in my short 26 years of life. I do not know really where to begin. From the beginning I guess. I was born addicted to heroin. My Mom’s drug of choice at that time, she would later have my sister who’d be addicted to meth. My youngest sister was spared since she spent most of her pregnancy in jail. My middle sister and I were drug babies. My Dad never gave up on my mother though. He would marry her three times. Each time would result in them having my sisters and I. He would finally divorce her for the last time because he had to put us first.

My Dad was defiantly the best parent anyone could ever ask for. My mom had two sides to her. When she would get out of jail and was sober for a few months she was everything you could ask for in a mom. Loving, caring, and devoted to her children, at least until her druggie friends would start showing up. Then she would start up again and this mother was a monster. She was not someone I loved. She was someone I was very afraid of. With her I was not a child. I was a whipping boy for my sisters; I was my sisters care takers. I would make them breakfast, change their clothes and make sure they were dressed while she was passed out in the other room. I hated those weekends with her. She eventually lost her parental rights to us.

When we would go back home to my Dad’s home life was easier. Until my sister started using me to cope with what we would later find out was bipolar. No one believed me for a long time about what was going on. It took me moving out when I was 18 for them to finally see my sister needed help. But I am getting ahead of myself here. When I was 16 my “grandpa” was dying of kidney failure. We went to pay our respects and my mom was there.

My last memory of her was her trying to run her hands through my hair. For the first time in my life I blew up at her. I do not regret the things I said. They have never made me feel bad because at the time it was what I needed to say to her. If I had known in 6 short months she would be killed in a triple homicide I would have still said those words to her. Between her, my Dad, my Grandmother and my sister I would not be who I am today. My journey did not end there though.

Back to when I turned 18: I moved out while I was still in high school. I moved in with my then boyfriend. Who happened to be a mama’s boy. She would be our downfall. I would then meet my next boyfriend. Who was mentally and sexually abusive to me. I would not be able to see that for years to come. Both of these men would also help shape who I am today.  I would then meet my now husband. You can read our story here.

These last six years have truly been the best of my life. After everything I have endured and overcome I have finally found my soul mate. Someone who loves me for me, I don’t have to prove myself to him. With his help I have been able to start finding myself. With him I started figuring out who I was. I really came out of my shell. I learned that I had a backbone and that I could stand up for what I believed in. I am still very reserved and quiet. I am more a homebody than someone who loves going out and partying. I have a lot of people I know and few people who are my friends and an even fewer select friends who I look at as family.  These few friends have been there for me through everything and stayed. I look back and I know I had a hard childhood. I know I had to grow up way to quick. I also know that because of all I have been through I am a better person. I know that whatever happens to me from here on out I can handle it.

Life? Bring it on.

*note: I left out a lot of details I did not feel comfortable posting online. I did however give enough detail to hopefully explain my life well enough.