Tuesday, July 31, 2012

My 3 Biggest Fears

  1. Not being there for my family. My mom was not there for us girls growing up. Her addiction to drugs was more important than trying to get sober for us, for her family. Leaving my Dad and my Grandma to raise us. I know that because of the way I was raised I am the person I am today. But I missed out on so much due to it also. My Grandma should have been able to experience being a Grandma to her grandchildren and not having to raise us. My Dad should have been able to be a Dad instead of working himself ragged to make sure that we had everything we needed. My biggest fear is turning into that [not that I will]. This was something I had to deal with while being pregnant. I couldn't help but fear that I would follow my Mother's foot steps - even though I knew that it would never happen.
  2. Spiders. As a young child, my mom would get high and give me a bath. She would then take out her jar of spiders that she collected and place them on my feet, telling me not to move cause they would bite me. I had to let her do this too because if I didn't I would get the belt. It was a lose lose situation. To this day I will run away from spiders. Although I have come a long way from seeing one and running out the door screaming "KILL IT!" I have even managed to kill a spider or two myself in the last couple of years.
  3. Losing my child(ren). After my miscarriage last August one of my biggest fears is losing my child(ren). It was something that I had to work through when I found out I was pregnant with Kai. The further I got along with my pregnancy  the more I was afraid I was going to lose him. It took me up until here recently to be okay and allow myself to grieve the loss of one baby and celebrate the life of my handsome little boy. I had to relearn how to breath again and realize that Kai is mine to keep. I know life is unpredictable and I can not know what the future will hold but I am going to celebrate my son's life and the life of any children we may have in the future. I can not keep letting this fear of loss paralyze me.

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