Monday, April 29, 2013

Emotional Rollercoaster

This past week I have felt like I was on an emotional roller coaster. One minute I felt strong – like I could do anything and not let this beat me. The next minute I felt weak – like this was the worst sentence you could give a person. During those times all I wanted was a bottle of wine and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I wanted to lay in bed and cry my eyes out during those first 24 hours after my follow up appointment with my OBGYN.

I wanted to scream and curse my body. I was so angry those first 24 hours. I felt betrayed by my body. Something so natural, women all over the world were able to do it – needless to say I was upset and being over dramatic.

I cried and talk to Matt and when we were done talking I called my dad and my sisters to give them the horrible news. We talked and cried and they did their best to lift my spirits up again. They made sure that I knew it was not the end of the world, even though in my mind it was.

I didn’t want to go to work that night. I knew my face was red and puffy and my eyes were swollen from hours of crying. But I also knew that even though Ben and Jerry’s, my bed and that bottle of wine sounded way better than going to work, I knew that I had to put on my big girl panties and go in. I had to be the responsible adult I was raised to be.

Work was an amazing distraction. I was able to focus on the mundane all the while still feeling numb. I plastered on a big smile and greeted my customers and did my job. That night I went home and talked and cried some more to my amazing husband. I talked to my friends online and found out that some of them have PCOS too. We talked for hours.  When I finally shut my eyes for the night cuddled up next to my husband I felt a little bit stronger.

That morning I felt resolved. I was not going to let PCOS define me. I went to the pharmacy and filled my prescriptions. The one that would force my body to start again and the other to force my body to ovulate – Provera and Clomiphene, the two drugs that only yesterday felt like a death sentence.

Here I am a week later. I have 4 more days of the Provera and I am already starting to feel those tell-tell signs of Aunt Floe arriving. By the 10th she should be here and 5 days after she arrives I start taking Clomid. Matt and I already decided that we are going to have a lot of fun this month and hopefully by the end of it the Clomid did its job and Kai will soon be a big brother.